Dauna Undefined

Gran passed away on December 9th, two years after she was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live. She was in some pain at the end, and her health had been declining. She went peacefully, however, and that is all we could have wished. Her death leaves me with mixed feelings because though she’s gone it’s something she was prepared for and now she is no longer in pain.

My Granny was the type who took care of everyone else and it was hard on her to be confined to a bed or chair, forced to ask us to clean or cook for her, or the myriad other tasks. Still, we did what we could, and she was able to live out her remaining time at home. I spent a lot of time over there towards the end, but the week before contracted an ear infection, so her sudden confinement to bed and inability to eat surprised me when I heard. Immediately I returned, and she had one good day when all the family members who could make it came by to visit.

After that she was in a coma like state. Still breathing, but unable to answer us, and she lasted that way for three to four days. She could take no liquids and we had to moisten her mouth with little sponges on a stick. Her medication was reduced to two types of drops, and we kept watch on her during this time.

I woke up on the 9th to silence. Normally the tv was on, so I knew something was different, and then I heard my great aunt telling my uncle that she had passed. There was no shock. It had been coming. I got dressed and went to see her. Her eyes were spiritless, the light gone, and I knew that she was dead.

Gran had arranged almost everything regarding her funeral, but they had trouble getting flowers on Saturday, and ended up buying potted poinsettias. As a result it looked a little sparse, but a lot of the family showed up, and the sermon was touching. One of my great aunt’s friends got up to sing, and his voice was beautiful. There were not many tears shed at the funeral. Afterward most of the family seemed in a good mood. Perhaps we were relieved that she had passed peacefully, though it seemed odd to me then, and does even now. I shared that feeling, laughed and smiled with them, but I wondered at it. Perhaps not all funerals are sad events.

But I will miss her.

After the last post I finally realized that I was worrying and agonizing over it far too much… I mean my goodness I was making myself miserable for longer than the duration of the visit would take!

So I decided that my motto would be: Don’t think about it, just go and do it! Once I decided not to worry I of course immersed myself in manga. hahahah. But I did feel better.

So I went to see my mom today and it was great. (Yeah, I copped out after that last post and didn’t go. Bad Dauna! Excuse? I was afraid that I might fall asleep there… and then proceded to stay up another, what?, 24 hrs? hahahahahaha.) She remembered me and seemed about the same. Also, the nursing home she’s at now is so much nicer… Unfortunately she does not have a roommate. I think she must be lonely there… though they turn on the tv for her. They had it on a Leave it to Beaver when we arrived. Good choice, good choice. And when I said her name they knew who I was speaking of! This is a good sign. You know, versus having to look up her room number.

Only thing is that at the old place the staff would have come in to talk with me a bit. It seemed as if there wasn’t that many of them. But mom seems well. I suppose one can’t have everything.

So I’m the queen of daytime sleeping. Lately I go to bed when the fam is getting up. Tomorrow it has been decided that I must go visit my mom because she has a rash… Although they’re calling in a doctor to see her about it, and I certainly can’t do anything… Yet it has been decided that I must go.

I don’t like nursing homes, and visiting my mom is never the most pleasant of activities. She can’t communicate and doesn’t seem to have her memories… It upsets me sometimes.

I know that a good daughter would still go. I’ve been feeling guilty, but relying on the excuse that half of my time is with my gran and I don’t know how much longer she will be around. Of course the same goes for my mom, but she isn’t in her right mind so what little time remains to her seems more of a torment for her and a source of sorrow for myself.

I’m sorry. I’m all woe is me right now. I should be happy she’s still alive, right? …But it’s not the same.

I try not to dump too much of my depressing mood on you guys, but there’s a pretty heavy load of dark clouds up there these days. So it’s no wonder my head’s normally in the sand, right?

So, if you’re wondering about the title, that is my current dilemma and much better than thinking about tomorrow. Should I go to sleep or stay up and crash tomorrow? I’d probably fall asleep in the nursing home if I don’t go to sleep now… But if I stay up I can go earlier… and maybe get home earlier…

No, it won’t happen that way and I know it. I haven’t seen her in so long. Dad will expect me to stay for a few hours at least. I should go to bed and visit her in the afternoon. Otherwise I will have to stay all day long… and I will fall asleep there. Not that that is the worst possible outcome… but when someone can’t communicate all there is to do is sit there and try… usually unsuccessfully. And if you ever think that maybe she might be remembering something from the past… you’re wrong. Because she’s not.

What I most want to do is continue reading manga… and forget about the visit tomorrow. But I will sleep. And we will see if she even remembers me.

Hello interwebs! Hello hello hello!

My computer has returned from death, but lacks it’s memories now. Maybe that’s for the best? It’s certainly running much more quickly. They installed chrome, so that’s what I’m using.

Sadly I’ve lost all of my bookmarks… but that’s what search engines are for, right? heh.

I’m so happy to have my computer back that I don’t care about any of the sad things right now! yay!

Oh wow the clock is really off. It is apparently 9:43am. hahahahhaha. As if I’m ever awake that early!

Right now you are trying to figure out what kind of combination that would make, aren’t you? hehehe. Well, my head is still pretty deep in that sand pit, myth or no the metaphor works, but I am also making myself useful as of late.

My Gran fell a few months back, we were told she was fine, but the next day informed that all was not well. She dealt with a broken hip all night long with my aunt and uncle tending to her. Oh my poor gran. But in the end, after an ambulance ride to the hospital she once worked in, the truth was confirmed.

Now came the next problem: surgery. Gran did not want surgery. She stayed at home in bed, and I went out to join her. The next day L arrived and took charge, getting her to the hospital and working on Gran to accept the idea of surgery.

Now given that Gran is over 80 and terminally ill with lung cancer, you can understand our worries about anesthesia. To complicate matters she had a DNR and refused to suspend it for the operation. Finally the doctors decided to do a spinal tap, when apparently they had argued against it only that morning, but I felt it was a much safer idea.

Her surgery was done very quickly, Thank God and the surgeons, and then came the question of whether she would be able to walk again. The hospital wanted to send her to a nursing home and leave her there, but financial worries on behalf of her family made her want to go home. We managed to convince her to go to rehab.

My position was that rehab was necessary for simply selfish reasons. I didn’t feel up to changing diapers for my Gran. The entire idea was oppressive. When someone reaches that level of need it seems like a nursing home might be better, even though I’ve been in one and know how depressing they are.

Luckily she is out of rehab now, able to walk with a walker, and directing us around like a wizened little general. Sometimes it annoys me, but I try to hold that in. I do everything she asks of course.

Helping to take care of my Gran has changed my life for the moment. My aunt & uncle were silly enough to order dsl which they do not use on a teeny phone-like computer that can only access mobile sites. As far as I know they do not even use it. Then they restricted the dsl to their room… So now while I’m there I can’t even use my computer.

Instead I read, write, and spend a lot of time in front of tv. But I’ll write about that another time. I’m at home for a bit and wasting time. I want to watch anime or read manga. My foreign obsession isn’t entirely over, it simply switched from real life drama to something drawn, and less dramatic.

I love Gosick (think Gothic). Toradora was lovely as was Paradise Kiss, Skip Beat, and I watched The Wallflower long ago but it rounds out the romantic list nicely. Those are some of my favorite. Fairy Tale is pretty awesome for an action show.

Lately I’ve been reading manga because sometimes animes stop but the manga goes on. It’s like reading books or webcomics. It’s lovely and I haven’t delved into the medium whatsoever so there are still little gems to be found, unlike anime, which of course I could never finish but find myself disappointed by some that I watch.

Now to manga! Enough time wasted.

I’ve been depressed, hiding, clinging to the tv shows I watch online and never going outside, until my gran convinced me to walk a little in the evenings at least. Then I got sick, and had a miserable week, but antibiotics cleared it up.

I’ve been making my way through asian drama. Korean drama is my favorite so far, although at times I feel as if it’s torturing me. But I’ve also watched Japanese and Chinese drama as well. Right now I am watching When the Night Comes with Kim Sun Ah, and Princesses and Blind Dates.

This stuff is addicting, and I’ve almost lost my taste for anything on tv in the usa right now. My dad keeps talking about war in Korea… and I pray it’s not so.

Went to see mom yesterday after a call from the nursing home. Dad has bad hearing, so he told me inaccurately what the message was. He shouldn’t be allowed to check messages… but that’s their problem, not mine. Mom was sick, and I felt so sorry for her. I tried to get a message to the nurses so that they’d help her, but not certain they ever did, as dad showed up early (as usual).

I haven’t been applying for jobs, even though I know better. I just want to bury my head back into foreign drama and wait until something changes.